If large organizations were wasting millions of dollars annually due to an addressable cost, wouldn't every senior leader rush to tackle it immediately?
By one estimate, unproductive interpersonal conflict is such an expense.1 And yet, unresolved interpersonal conflicts are allowed to fester and often turn into costly grudges.
In my own experience advising and leading organizations, the costs of unproductive and unresolved conflict can be even larger than these estimates, especially when they result in flawed decision-making.
I’ve written previously about conflict resolution.2 But given how many leaders I’ve recently spoken to about the need to “re-set” specific relationships in the new year, I thought I’d take a slightly different approach - storytelling.
Leadership principle: Inner forgiveness is a must. Deciding to seek outer reconciliation requires you to assess the cost of not reconciling.
One historical figure who exemplified this principle is Patricio Aylwin.3 He was the President who guided Chile to democracy in the early ‘90s on the heels of a brutal and murderous dictatorship helmed by General Augusto Pinochet.
In this week’s Friday Reflection, I wanted to share the improbable story of how I met former Chilean President Aylwin and what I learned from him on forgiveness and the value of reconciliation.
In 2004, I spent the summer in Chile doing research for my senior thesis. Despite no personal connections, I secured interviews with junior congressmen and a retired senator. That said, I had avoided doing archive research for weeks as sifting through microfilm and making hundreds of photocopies for hours felt dreadful at the time (and still does).
After an hour in the first archive I visited, a confident, mild-mannered and well-dressed man, Aldo, interrupted my solitude. He asked me about my research and if there was anyone I wanted to interview, but hadn't managed to access. In jest, I pointed to a picture of the former President Patricio Aylwin, who led the transition to democracy. "It'd be great to talk to him." Aldo smiled and let out a quiet laugh that seemed to signal, “keep dreaming, kid.” He left and I returned to my archive “cave.”
About thirty minutes before the archive was closing, I trudged up the stairs and stopped by Aldo’s office to say goodbye. To my astonishment, he declared, "Don Patricio will receive you in his home tomorrow at 2pm." I looked at Aldo and said "En serio? Patricio Aylwin?" He laughed and smiled again, "Yes. It's for real."
As a 20th century Latin American politics nerd, meeting former President Aylwin was the pre-teen girl’s equivalent of meeting Taylor Swift. I was pumped and so nervous!
The next day I took the public bus to Aylwin's home, wearing my rumpy grey suit and somewhat crooked tie. After a security check, the two guards ushered me inside the home.4 When he walked in the door, Aylwin’s gracious demeanor and genuine interest in me reminded me of my Abuelo, instantly easing my anxiety.
One of the most memorable moments took place toward the end of our discussion. As a young, at times self-righteous (read naive) idealist, I was a bit incredulous that Aylwin kept Pinochet5 as Head of the Armed Forces during his Presidency. I assumed that it was a chess move, motivated by a pragmatic desire but was curious how he actually felt toward such a monster of a man.
I asked him "Did you ever truly forgive Pinochet for the atrocities that his government committed? I wouldn't blame you if publicly you said one thing, but in your heart you felt differently.”
He simply said, "Yes I forgave him. I don't think we could have achieved all that we did without forgiving him. The negotiations, the plebiscite, and the truth and reconciliation commission…and ultimately the transition itself. None of that would have been possible. It would have only hurt me and my country if I held onto anger toward him. And the only way true reconciliation is possible is through forgiveness."6
I was floored. That was not the answer I was expecting. In fact, at the time, I almost found it to be a bit too idealistic of an answer. But the way he said it with such grace and such peace made me believe that he really meant what he said.
Our conversation concluded with a photograph and a parting message from him: "Thank you for showing such curiosity and appreciation for my country. Ensure your work reflects both our pain and our triumph."7
What an inspiring and uplifting example!
Approaching reconciliation with the mindset of Patricio Aylwin is not for the faint of heart. Aylwin realized that the cost of not reconciling with Pinochet was likely that the dictatorship would persist and more people would be tortured, murdered or censored. That was too big of a cost. Given this realization, he intuitively knew that he needed to start with inner forgiveness in order to pursue reconciliation and avoid these terrible costs.
Most of the interpersonal conflict that we hold onto in organizational life pales in comparison to the brutal treatment of a dictator to an entire swath of society. Yet when we feel slighted by a colleague, we hold onto anger. Often it turns into a lingering resentment and as a result, there are meaningful costs to us personally and to our organizations.
Next time you find yourself falling victim to this cycle, consider Aylwin’s example.
Take Action: Practical and Proven Steps
Start with inner forgiveness. When there is lingering interpersonal conflict, inner forgiveness is often the hardest part…at least for me. Hitendra Wadhwa’s words on the topic emphasize why this is so important: “You will only make the right choice on the outside when you have forgiven on the inside, because inner forgiveness will give you the clear mind and pure heart to make the right call.”8 Since it’s “work conflict” leaders often skip or dismiss this step of inner forgiveness, and I believe it’s one of the main reasons that “repair” is so difficult in organizational life.9
Wrestle with the benefits and costs of not reconciling. Create a table with two columns and five rows. Call the first column “Benefits of not reconciling” and the second column “Costs of not reconciling.” Then have the following rows: Me, Other Person, My Team, Their Team, Our Organization. In striving to answer these questions, do your best to be exhaustive, particularly when it comes to your team, their team and the organization. Think about how it affects decision-making and performance. What could be the cost of decisions being delayed or made incorrectly? Once you’ve been exhaustive about your answers and had time to reflect on the whole “table,” decide whether it is worth reconciling with this person. The answer may still be “no,” but at least you are now consciously choosing to accept the costs of not reconciling.
If you decide it’s worth it, make a plan to reconcile and remember that both people need to be willing to reconcile. In Michael Bungay Stanier’s newest book,10 he offers some tips on how to have a re-set conversation as a means toward reconciliation: Stay compassionate (I found X thing you did upsetting. How did you feel?). Stay curious (What’s the data, and what did we both make up about what that meant?…Here’s what I wish I’d done differently. What do you wish you’d done differently?) and Stay committed (What needs to be said that hasn’t yet been said?…What else is needed, so we can begin again?). Sometimes, you can benefit from having another more objective person facilitate this discussion.
Have someone hold you accountable to follow through on the plan.
Reflect: Some Questions to Consider
Who is one person you need to reconcile with in your work life? What gets in the way of “inner forgiveness” for them?
Once you’ve forgiven them, what might be the costs of NOT reconciling? (Another way to think about this is what are the benefits of reconciling?) What could be the costs of reconciling (particularly to you)?
Once you’ve wrestled with the costs and benefits of reconciling, what do you want to do?
If this week’s Friday Reflection was practical or enjoyable (or maybe even both!), please share it with your colleagues and friends.
The research in this article outlines the cost of several people problems including unproductive conflict. While the survey only included 83 people, I imagine that these estimates actually undervalue the cost of unproductive interpersonal conflict.
There were four parts to this series on conflict resolution - you can read them at the links below:
This obituary does a great job outlining the lessons from Aylwin’s political career. I particularly liked this line and it could likely be applied to many countries not just Latin America:
“Aylwin’s political talents seem to be lacking in today’s Latin America’s political class. As a politician, Aylwin knew how to recognize his mistakes and was neither too afraid nor too proud to ask for forgiveness. He sought widespread agreements and enabled consensus in policy-making. He did not enrich himself by pursuing elected office. Finally, he was a politician that did not fall into cheap populism, recognizing when to retire from office. Today’s politicians, in Chile and the rest of Latin America (even the United States’ polarized Congress), would do well to familiarize themselves with Aylwin’s story. They could learn a lesson or two from him.”
I waited for what felt like an eternity but was probably only 10 minutes until Aylwin arrived.
The way the opposition pulled off Pinochet’s defeat was a master class in influence. There’s a great movie on the campaign that stars Gael Garcia Bernal. It’s a bit dramatized as expected but entertaining and sheds light on this improbable outcome.
Notably, it was Aylwin who asked the Chilean people for forgiveness on behalf of the government.
Once again, he surprised me. I should have been the one thanking him profusely. Instead he left me with a lesson I’ll never forget: Life is both pain and triumph. You can’t have one without the other.
Even to my own research, this admonition was more important than he realized. My entire hypothesis was that the dictatorship had created fault lines in the political system that could never be repaired. The reality proved to be more complex.
As I shared in previous posts, Hitendra Wadhwa’s recent book Inner Mastery, Outer Impact is having a profound impact on me.
It’s also a process. There’s much ancient wisdom on the topic of forgiveness. From Jesuits to Stoics to Buddhists - many traditions cover the power of forgiveness. As far as modern authors go, Dr. Fred Luskin - the Co-Founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project - has written and given lectures extensively on the topic.
Stanier is also the author of the classic The Coaching Habit. In his new book, How to Work with Almost Anyone, he provides practical tips and clever “framing” of how to build strong relationships at work.
I didn’t know much about the immediate post Pinochet era. I know that when I went to Chile last year and they were debating the new constitution there was a lot of talk of reconciliation. I see the same dynamics in boards I serve on.