Te llevaste la lámpara, pero conmigo se quedó la luz.
You took the lamp but the light stayed with me.
Dulce Maria Loynaz, Poema XCII
Earlier this week, my Abuelo1, Ignacio Garcia-Bengochea passed away.2 Similar to the beautiful words of one of my favorite Cuban poets, Dulce Maria Loynaz, his lamp is no longer with us, but his light has stayed with me.
His light has been and will continue to be a guiding beacon for many steps in my life.3
It would be impossible for me to do justice to his legacy and courage in a short reflection. Along with my Abuela, he left Cuba in the wake of the Revolution, because they wanted to ensure that their children (and the families they would eventually build) would have the freedom to be the authors of their own future.
This one courageous decision changed the trajectory of the lives of my mother and her siblings as well as their cousins.4
As I shared the news of his passing, one of my best friends framed his impact perfectly: “He left his homeland and rebuilt his family, career and legacy in partnership with his wife. You, your sister and your brother all have wonderful, safe and secure lives that abounded with opportunity. What a great testament to the impact of a great man on his family tree!”
Of the many qualities that I cherished about Abuelo, one that always stood out to me was his wisdom.5
This week’s Friday Reflection is a bit more personal…and a bit less structured. I wanted to reflect on some of the wisdom my Abuelo passed onto me.
Over twenty years ago when I was still in college, he adamantly recommended that I read a book by the Jesuit priest, Baltasar Gracián, entitled the Art of Worldly Wisdom. At the time, Abuelo insisted that this one book summarized much of the practical wisdom that he had amassed over his lifetime.6
So to honor his legacy, I pulled out 25 of Gracián’s maxims that best represent some of what I learned from Abuelo. These maxims provide timeless leadership lessons, despite the fact that they were written 370 years ago:
On the power of self-awareness and reflection: “Know yourself: your character, intellect, judgment and emotions. You cannot master yourself if you do not understand yourself…Plumb your depths, weigh your resources.”
On moving to action after reflection: “Actions are the fruit of prudent reflection. Words are wise. Deeds are mighty.”
On knowing how to get the most out of your strengths: “Know your best quality, your outstanding gift. Cultivate it and nurture it.”
On the importance of steak and sizzle: “Both reality and manner. Substance is not “stance” enough: you must also heed circumstance.”
On the importance and impact of friends you surround yourself with: “A shortcut to becoming a true person: put the right people beside you. The company you keep can work wonders.”
On surrounding yourself with a strategic network7: “Associate with those you can learn from. Let friendly relations be a school of erudition, and conversation, refined teaching…Enjoy the company of people of understanding.”
On how to advise the powerful: “When you counsel someone, you should appear to be reminding them of something they had forgotten, not the light they were unable to see. It is the stars that teach us this subtlety. They are brilliant sons, but never dare to outshine the sun.”
On how to use humor to get others to hear your advice: “Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than through grave teaching.”
On being able to influence others by distinguishing the unique things that motivate them: “Act on the intentions of others: their ulterior and superior motives…The art of moving people’s wills involves more skill than determination. Each will has its own special object of delight; they vary according to taste…First size up someone’s character and then touch on his weak point.”
On how hard work and boldness contribute to good fortune: “Fortune is helped along by effort. Some people confidently approach the door of fortune and wait for her to go to work. Others are more sensible: they stride through that door with a prudent sort of boldness.”
On the importance of prioritization and “saying no”: “One of life’s great lessons lies in knowing how to refuse.”
On knowing how to say “no”: “A ‘gilded’ no pleases more than a curt ‘yes’…refusal shouldn’t come in one fell blow. Let people nibble on their disappointment little by little…There should always be some last remnants of hope to sweeten the bitterness of refusal.”
On the importance of clear, precise communication: “Express yourself clearly: not only easily but lucidly. Some people conceive well but give birth badly, for without clarity, the children of the soul - concepts, resolutions - never see the light.”
On the power of decisiveness: “Knowing how to choose is one of heaven’s great gifts. There are many people with fertile, subtle intelligence, rigorous judgment, both diligent and well informed, who are lost when they have to choose.
On remaining calm under pressure: “Never lose your composure. This shows a real person, with a true heart, for magnanimity is slow to give in to emotion.”
On the tension between comfort and impact: “The more comfort, the less glory.”
On relating to people of all backgrounds: “Adapt yourself to everyone else. This is a great way to capture the goodwill of others, for similarity generates benevolence. Observe people’s temperaments and adapt yourself accordingly.”
On resisting complaining: “Never complain. Complaints will always discredit you.”8
On humility and being other-oriented: “Don’t talk about yourself. Doing so shows a lack of good judgment and becomes a nuisance to others.
On adaptability: “Adapt yourself to circumstance…Some people are so paradoxically impertinent that they demand circumstances adapt to their own whims, and help them succeed, rather than the other way around. But the wise know that the polestar of prudence lies in adapting to the occasion.”
On anticipating the future: “Think ahead: today for tomorrow - even many days ahead. Don’t save your reason for difficult situations. Use it to anticipate them.
On learning from experimentation: “Float a trial balloon to see how well something is accepted or received, especially when you doubt its popularity or success…this allows you to decide whether to move forward with it or withdraw it.
On the power of being specific in your appreciation of others: “Know how to appreciate…It is useful to know exactly how to enjoy each person. The wise person esteems everyone, for he recognizes the good in each, and he realizes how hard it is to do everything well.
On following your gut: “Trust your heart, especially when it is a strong one. Never contradict it, for usually it can predict things that matter most: it is a homegrown oracle.”
On the centrality of spirituality: “Great people should strive for great spiritual gifts and insight.”
And finally, the maxim that perfectly describes my Abuelo:
“Signs of the perfect person: elevated taste, a pure intelligence, a clear will, ripeness of judgment.”
If living life is like a dance, then the anthem for you, Abuelo, would come from the words of one of our favorite artists, Beny Moré: “Que bueno baila usted!” [How good you dance.] Through your example and your wisdom, you were a beacon that shined the light for me on how to live and you did it so beautifully. Abuelo, Que bueno baila usted!
Abuelo means grandfather in Spanish.
He lived almost 95 years. His birthday is June 1. I feel so incredibly blessed to have shared so many years and memories with him.
He has been so important to me that my wife and I decided to have our wedding in Florida nearly 11 years ago even though we live in New York, because I couldn’t imagine getting married without my Abuelo present and he was no longer able to travel on planes at the time.
These inspiring cousins, Javier and Maruchi, are more like brother and sister to my mom and her siblings. A big reason for this is the way that my Abuelo loved and cared for them, emphasizing the importance of family above all else.
He also was a gifted storyteller and could make you laugh like crazy. And he would crack himself up, which would make his funny stories even funnier. I can still hear his laugh.
One glaring gap in Gracian’s wisdom is an emphasis on the importance of family. Abuelo’s example as a hard working professional who also prioritized his family is always an upward call for me.
A couple weeks ago I wrote a more detailed piece on this topic, but I owe it to Abuelo and Baltazar Gracian for helping me understand this principle so early in my adult life.
This one reminds me of one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes: “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.”