Friday Reflection (No.47): Conflict Resolution - Ego Measuring Conflicts (Part 4)
December 16, 2022
“He got a big ego
Such a huge ego
I love his big ego
It's too much
He walk like this 'cause he can back it up.”1 -Beyonce
This catchy anthem from 2009 makes you want to dance and contains an insightful view into the human psyche. Beyonce is attracted to a man with a big ego and is proud of her own big ego (and we all love her for it).2 I see this often with leaders - their magnetic confidence is what attracts others to follow them.
At some point in work life though, egos get in the way and are a major cause of conflict.
This week’s reflection is the last one in a series on conflict resolution (Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 are here). Today I’ll focus on the “Ego Measuring Contest” - a conflict resulting from personal ambition and insecurity, which often shows up between peers.
Consider the following example…two business unit leaders, each running massive businesses and budgets, had the opportunity to collaborate on a new-to-world digital platform that would revolutionize how the company (and the industry) went to market. For over a year, there was a tug-of-war between these two leaders, which caused delays, frustrated the working teams and may have also contributed to the new platform being less effective. While some of the disagreement between the two leaders was about content (i.e., the best design decisions), most of it centered on the fact that each of them wanted to be seen as getting the credit for driving this initiative (though neither leader would likely admit this).
At the heart of “ego measuring” conflicts is often a lack of awareness.
While many of us would not want to admit it, all humans have narcissistic tendencies.3 These can show up in many different forms, but at their worst here is what we see:
Relying on compliments and validation to know we are succeeding
Blaming others for lack of success
Being overly boastful about credentials and achievements
Getting angry when criticized
Feeling anxiety that others will see us as unfit to lead
Fantasizing frequently about status and power
Being willing to manipulate or take advantage of others to achieve our goals4
Given that all humans have these tendencies to some degree, “ego measuring” conflicts are inevitable.
That said, there are extreme versions of leaders with “huge egos.” These can be some of the most challenging leaders to partner with, because they seek the credit and constantly are evaluating others as threats.
But don’t be fooled, even the most narcissistic leaders can trigger our own narcissistic tendencies, so as is often the case, where we need to start in these types of conflicts is with greater self-awareness.
When you find yourself in an “ego measuring” conflict, consider the following strategies:
Acknowledge your own narcissistic tendencies and seek to understand what causes self-doubt in the other person. As hard as it is, create space for reflection either through writing on your own in a journal or through speaking with an unbiased third party to examine your own beliefs and behaviors. This is NOT about giving yourself a diagnosis, but rather creating the space to see how your beliefs and behaviors can fuel the flame of a “ego measuring” conflict. As part of this reflection, take the time to really examine and better understand the source of your counterparts self-doubt. It may give you more empathy for them or at a minimum help you to be less reactive in the moment.
Frame your work as a joint effort. Figure out where their goals and your goals overlap. Identify ways that enable you to achieve them “together.” Amy Gallo even emphasizes using “we” statements to signal when things are a joint effort.
Authentically flatter and praise. For some of us, this may feel icky or even manipulative, but all the research suggests it works to disarm insecure leaders with big egos and appeals to their need for validation.
Frame suggestions as questions. This is a coaching ninja trick. Instead of saying “do this,” you can say “What do you think about trying X?” For example, if you are trying to get a counterpart to jointly fund a pilot program, you could say “What if we implemented this pilot in the second quarter of next year? What benefits might we gain? What would we learn?”5
Determine your limit (particularly if your counterpart is your boss). At some point having to interact with toxic narcissistic leaders is no longer worth the pain. Only you will have a good sense of what you are willing to tolerate, but you must make this line clear. At a minimum, if it starts affecting your health and/or your personal relationships, then it is high time to evaluate changing the situation (either through seeking a new job or a new organization entirely).
While all forms of conflict are inevitable in work life, my hope is that this series gives you some tools to navigate it more effectively, more quickly resolve interpersonal conflict and unlock the benefits of constructive conflict.6
Some questions I reflected on this week?
What is the role of my own ego and/or narcissistic tendencies in perpetuating a current “ego measuring” conflict in my work life?
What is it that is causing the self-doubt in my counterpart and how can I reframe it so that I better understand them in the moment?
Which of the strategies for dealing with it should I try this week?
The double entedre is not lost on me…but let’s get our minds out the gutter shall we?
Yes I am secretly (or maybe not so secretly now) a huge Beyonce fan.
Some schools of thought even emphasize that it is better to channel narcissistic tendencies than to try to remove them entirely (depending on the severity). Psychologist Heinz Kohut did some groundbreaking theorizing in this area.
Narcissism is the subject of much study. A really interesting take on it comes from humanistic psychologist, Scott Barry Kaufman in his book Transcend in Chapter 3 on Self-Esteem.
Recommendations #2-4 were all inspired by Amy Gallo’s book, Getting Along, which I’ve referenced a few times in this series. She also has several podcasts that are very practical on the “Women at Work” podcast that is produced by Harvard Business Review.
I’ve cited this piece by Amy Gallo before, but there are MANY benefits to constructive conflict.