“I’m your Huckleberry.” -Doc Holliday
In the movie Tombstone, Doc Holiday surprises the hot-headed, quick drawing Johnny Ringo by showing up to the duel in place of Wyatt Earp. Ringo’s mood immediately shifts from overconfidence to fear when Holiday emerges from the shadow and utters these three words (“I’m your Huckleberry.”) While Earp would have likely been vanquished by Ringo, Holiday is the one person in the world with a faster draw than Ringo.1
Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had our own personal Doc Holiday to figuratively fight the “battles” for us, particularly with the Ringo’s (high conflict personalities) in our work life!
Since most of us can’t lean on Doc, in Part 3 of the series on conflict resolution (Part 1 and Part 2 are here), let’s explore how to navigate what I call the “OK Corral conflicts”2 - open conflict that at its best shows up as biting sarcasm and at its worst as tempers flaring, resulting in all kinds of residual damage
Most of the time these types of conflicts occur where at least one of the individuals is a high conflict personality. Bill Eddy defines high conflict people as those “who have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many different people.”
For most of us, the description above brings to mind a very specific person or people that we have had to manage or interact with in our work life. If you want to have an impact in the world, it’s inevitable that you will come across and have to influence these types of personalities.3
In one example, the leader of a business unit saw an opportunity to acquire a smaller company with complementary technology, which would enable them to better meet the needs of their patients. When he sat down to meet with the CEO of the smaller company, she was alarmingly combative from the outset. In fact, one of the first negotiations ended in tempers flaring. The leader was shocked things had escalated so quickly and a potential deal looked like an impossibility.
The reality is the CEO of the smaller company had all the markers of a high conflict person: blaming others, all or nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions and extreme behavior (e.g., mean personal attack statements).4 That is a tough draw!
Resolving “OK Corral” conflicts is particularly challenging for two reasons. First, there has already been a rupture in the relationship. Second, the temperament of high conflict personalities makes them tend to escalate conflict rather than try to resolve it.
Once there has already been a blowup, the emotional experience can linger in the mind and the body long after the spat is over. We tend to feel both hurt and angry. We also tend to replay what happened in our head, justifying why we are right and the other person is wrong. This tape plays on repeat over and over again. It takes both humility and courage to want to break this cycle and try to re-engage with the person.
The other factor at play is the temperament of each person. Our temperament is mostly the result of experiences we had growing up and learned habits that enabled us to best navigate those experiences. In the case of high conflict people, the pattern of behavior of increasing conflict (rather than trying to defuse it) is equivalent to the muscle memory of an elite athlete. It is automatic and wired into their brains.
The implication of this second point is that you can’t change high conflict people. Any efforts to do so are futile. Even if the person with whom we had an “OK Corral” conflict is not a high conflict personality, the same principle applies - you can’t change them.
So once we internalize that we can’t change the person, what are some tactics we can use to attempt to resolve “OK corral” conflicts?
Avoid suppressing your emotions. The reason “just sucking it up” doesn’t work is that it raises your stress level, increasing the likelihood of further conflict and potentially causing negative health effects (when taken to the extreme). Moreover, others can then sense that you are irritated, so in most cases you aren’t fooling anyone. Instead find an outlet to express and feel your emotions all the way through, so that you can express them.
Write down your goals before the next interaction. This is another principle from Amy Gallo’s book Getting Along. Her point is that “identifying your goal(s) will help you avoid getting pulled into any drama and stay focused on constructive tactics. Don’t let any hidden agendas or ulterior motives, such as political strategy, throw you off course.” The act of writing these goals down can also be an anchor for you before the meeting and during the meeting.
Show authentic empathy. While this step may require you to get some distance from the initial blow-up, it is an essential on the path toward resolution. Practically this means trying to understand the rationale for a colleagues behavior and expressing to them that you hear their frustration and see how worried they are. Amy Gallo notes that giving a colleague the benefit of the doubt allows them to potentially see things differently, because they know you understand their perspective.
Experiment with alternatives.5 Either on your own or with a wise sounding board, identify two or three new tactics to try. For example, changing the setting, involving different people or even using a different form of communication. Acknowledge that some (or none) of these tactics won't work. Even for the ones that flop, use them as opportunities to learn and notice how the person reacts to them. Also, when one tactic works, remind yourself again of your goals to sustain the well of resilience in the face of these exhausting interactions.
Respond to hostile communication with BIFF. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly. Bill Eddy elaborates on what this looks like here. It is particularly useful when responding to written hostility, but can also be used in the moment to attempt to de-escalate issues with high conflict people. I like the concept of BIFF because it is a good simple reminder that can trigger different behavior when I notice in my body that I am starting to get frustrated or angry. It is also useful because you can use it to prepare your mind before you are meeting with a high conflict personality.
Until AI gets sophisticated enough that we can all enlist our own personal Doc Holiday,6 these tactics can help navigate (and in some cases…just survive) the “OK Corral” conflicts.
Some questions I reflected on this week:
Who are the high conflict people that I need to influence to achieve my goals?
Which of my teammates and/or coaching participants have a high conflict person that they need to influence?
Which of these strategies would be most helpful to me and/or others that are dealing with “OK Corral” conflicts?
Val Kilmer’s Doc Holiday from Tombstone is one of my favorite characters in a film PERIOD. This little montage of his scuffles with Ringo is 5 minutes of pure joy.
Yes I am sticking with the Wyatt Earp theme here. For non-U.S. readers and those that weren’t into pop culture in the 90s (either because you didn’t care or you weren’t born yet), the OK Corral is probably the most famous shootout in the history of the Wild West of America. It even has its own Wikipedia page here.
That said, as leaders you don’t have to tolerate them or hire them. Perhaps in a future reflection, I’ll explore to how to ensure your hiring practices weed out high conflict personalities as in most cases they can be toxic to your organizational culture.
These are the markers that Bill Eddy’s research suggests are indicative of high conflict personalities. More here if interested.
I’m on an Amy Gallo role. This recommendation also comes from her book Getting Along. While most of the book can be summed up in a set of nine principles, she also has an interesting section that contains archetypes of difficult personalities (e.g., the tormentor, the insecure boss) and how to deal with them.
And of course, not one that shoots our counterpart but that can do so figuratively by finding ways to influence them and get them on our side. While AI has come a long way (especially given all the ChatGPT and Lensa hype in the last month)…this still feels very far out.