Goals with Soul (Part 2)

Friday Reflection (No.50)

“Fire and the ice colliding,
I wanna go deep and dive in.
It's heaven on Earth, but hell of a night
To melt into one” -John Legend, “Darkness and Light”¹

“Darkness and the Light” (Created with DALL-E 2)

John Legend’s poetic lines describe a relationship, and yet this duality also applies to leadership. It’s not all fire and light. Sometimes leadership, especially leading with soul and science, requires us to access the perceived “darker” parts of us just as much as the inspiring (light) sides.

In response to the last Friday Reflection, I received some insightful feedback from subscribers on how others set “Goals with Soul” (which interestingly all relate more to the light side):

Experimentation as the goal (in order to home in on future goals): “We just started a new side business in one of my ventures and do not know yet what a good target throughput should be, so for the next 3 months, the goal is to experiment and learn what a good throughput is and not force a goal now just because it is the beginning of the year.”

Short-term check points: “I set myself goals for the first three months of the year that I am excited about and will help me train better for that eventual marathon.”

Link to values: “The parts of my scorecard that lacked soul felt like a grind, so I reframed those goals to draw a clearer link to the result of those actions helping people achieve more freedom and success in their lives and careers, which are values that are very dear to me.”

Leave room for creativity AND fun: “My final list is specific yet leaves room for creative possibilities in each outcome.”

These responses have grounding in cognitive science², so it is worth figuring out how to incorporate them into your goal setting.³

Goal setting is the relatively easy part. Most of the difficult comes in the goal pursuit phase. After all, it is in this phase that we actually run the race.

That's why I am so drawn to David Rock’s model.⁴ It goes beyond setting goals and outlines a more integrated approach to realizing them (goal-setting, goal-integration and goal-maintenance).

So, now that we have clearly set “Goals with Soul”, what actions can we take to pursue them with soul?

I’ll reiterate a point in last week’s reflection. There is a TON of great research that approaches goal pursuit from a logic and cognitive science standpoint.⁵ This is a great place to begin.

What this research often overlooks is the darker side of our behavior and emotions.

To that end, pursuing “Goals with Soul” requires you to a) explore the patterns that could impede your progress and b) pay attention to the “negative” emotion of fear.

Exploring the patterns that could impede your progress

Many of us likely set at least one goal that requires us to change our behavior. However, most people struggle to change, which is why so many fail to reach their goals (particularly annual ones).

The “real reason people don’t change” according to Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey is that as much as we desire to change, we are exerting equal or more energy toward a commitment or a belief that is in direct conflict with the change we seek. In other words, the behaviors that have enabled us to persist, have now become our kryptonite when it comes to lasting change.

For example, I want to dedicate more time to research that will help to fundamentally shift the narrative on high potential talent identification. I care deeply about this. I’m also frustrated that I haven’t devoted as much time to it.

At the same time, I've recognized that what gets in the way is my commitment to a heavy load of client work, my high standards for being there for my clients and colleagues, and my rigid boundaries for family and health. None of these behaviors on their own are negative or positive. But they are patterns that hold me back from achieving my goal on this research initiative. The work for me is to better understand what is the BIG ASSUMPTION that I make that drives these behaviors and in turn, causes me to fall short in making time for this research initiative.⁶

And that is the first step.

After this first step, the best way to challenge the big assumption is to conduct short experiments, which compel you to act in ways contrary to the counterproductive patterns of behavior and observe the results.

Paying attention to the “negative” emotion of fear

Fear is one of the most powerful motivators. It also has the potential to foster greater resilience in us. If fear can have these positive benefits, then why do we often refer to fear as a negative emotion?

Fear becomes negative when it causes us to react in ways that pull us out of presence.⁷

Instead of avoiding fear, pursuing “Goals with Soul” means identifying fear (in our minds and in our bodies), accepting it and ultimately using it to motivate us.

It can also mean creating cues that allow us to notice when fear is about to take us on a ride out of presence. One that I am experimenting with is a daily reminder that comes up on my phone every day at 7:30am: “Notice strong emotions, slow down, breath and respond when you are ready.”

Most days, I haven’t needed this, but on the days when I notice vicious fear arise in me, that reminder in the morning has helped me to avoid getting stuck on these strong emotions and at least once has prevented me from saying “yes” to something when I needed to say “no” in order to preserve time for activities that are more directly in service of my goals.

Here are some practical tips to help you PURSUE “Goals with Soul”:

1. Carve out time each month to explore the fear around your goals. Which ones make you afraid because you think you will fail? What are you afraid of? Get really specific in visualizing how you might fail. Imagine yourself on Dec 31, 2023 having not achieved this goal. What physical reactions does that bring up? Then identify 1-2 actions you (or someone you rely on) can take to help mitigate those potential causes of failure. The idea here is to get even more determined to drive progress on the inputs you can control/shape (vs. the outcome/output that may be out of your hands).

2. Experiment with a cue that allows you to notice and work through fear (and potentially other strong emotions) as it relates to your goals this year. The cue could be a daily text from a friend/colleague, a mantra you repeat, or a calendar notification (as I referenced above).

3. Choose the one goal that you think will be hardest for you this year. a) Write down or talk with someone you trust about which of your behaviors could keep you from achieving this goal. b) Seek to understand what it is about those behaviors that serve you well. c) Then through further reflection, see if you can uncover what it is that makes you fall back into these behaviors and what belief you may need to change/challenge to be successful with this goal. The point here is not to judge these behaviors as good or bad (our shadows make us who we are), but to understand why we do them and when they may get in the way of things we really want. d) Lastly, identify an experiment (or two) that requires you to act in a way that is counter to this pattern of behavior. This is certainly an advanced level of action/reflection cycle and not for the faint of heart.

So if you've set “Goals with Soul”, remember to pursue them with soul. Recognize the patterns that could get in your way, and don't be afraid to use fear as a motivator!⁸

Some questions I reflected on this week:

1. For my most challenging goal, what are the behaviors that have historically served me well but that could likely get in the way of achieving this goal?

2. For my most challenging goal, what specifically makes me feel fearful that I might fail?

3. Who is someone that I haven’t spoken to in the last 3 months that might be able to help me with one of my goals? How can I initiate contact with them and enlist them in helping me achieve my goal(s)?

1. John Legend is definitely in my top 5 artists. This past year Kendrick, Marc Anthony and Moanna (my son’s fault…hahaha) were higher on my Spotify playlists, but I bet if I looked over the last decade, John Legend’s music is by far and away what I play the most. This song isn’t super well known but these opening lines are so poetic.

As an aside, if you need some lightness in your day…Jamie Foxx’s impression of John Legend while singing the Toys’R’Us theme song is absolutely hilarious.

2. Speaking of science-based recommendations, I really enjoyed this recent article from Caroline Webb. It’s packed with practical insight.

3. It’s not too late to evolve goals just because we are two weeks into the year.

4. I cited this paper by David Rock and Elliott Berkman last week and including here again for reference.

5. James Clear’s work is excellent as is Steve Magness’s book Do Hard Things.

6. I’m actually planning to go through a more structured process that was pioneered by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey in their book - Immunity to Change. If you are curious about it, a good place to start is with this article.

7. For a more in-depth treatment of this topic, check out Jim Dethmer’s article on valid vs. vicious vs. virtuous fear.

8. Yes - the pun is intended :)