Friday Reflection (No.48): Re-charge 2.0: Do the Unexpected
December 23, 2022
"There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly.” -Pema Chödrön, Buddhist teacher and nun1
“Tigers above, tigers below” is an appropriate metaphor for most moments in life, and is particularly apt for the end of the year.2 The holidays for many of us are a lull in the action from our work life3 - we narrowly escaped the tigers of last year and yet can clearly see next year’s tigers waiting for us in a few short days.
Last year, I wrote a Friday Reflection on how to re-charge at the end of year that mostly follows conventional wisdom and challenges the “always on, hustle culture.”4 If you are truly burnt out, last year’s reflection and tools will serve you well.
This year, I am experimenting with re-charging through a different lens: eat the strawberry.
This short phrase - eat the strawberry - brings to mind two lessons.
The first is the more obvious - be fully present even amidst the pressures.
The second is less often discussed - do the unexpected.
Even though it is conventional, the first lesson is quite difficult in its application. For some, the end of year is fraught with overwhelming amounts of responsibility and at times, painful loneliness. For others, we are simply rushing from one thing to the next or finding ways to numb out versus really being present.
While I haven’t yet found any silver bullets yet, the best tools for being fully present are intentional commitment (before), mantras (in the moment) and accountability (afterward).5
So what makes the second lesson - “do the unexpected” - so unconventional when it comes to re-charging?
The reason is that it focuses on “doing.” The woman in the Buddhist fable could have been paralyzed by an emotion - anger that she is in this position, fear that she has no way out or sadness that she may not see anyone else she loves ever again.6 And while she may have felt one or more of those emotions, instead of letting them linger, she takes action and decides to eat the strawberry.
Rather than taking action, we often seek to re-charge by relaxing and slowing down. And while there is a place for that, I worry that approach will only re-charge the battery two thirds of the way.
By “doing the unexpected” we can re-charge the battery that last one third.
The unexpected will look different for each of us. For some, it could be engaging in a creative activity we normally wouldn’t take time for or playing a game or something fun that can help lighten the mood, or even trying a new physical challenge or outdoor activity with a loved one.
So what are four practical suggestions to nudge yourself to “do the unexpected”:
Tell those around you. Let those you will be spending time with know that you are experimenting with “doing the unexpected.” Ask one person to check-in with you at the end of each day via text and ask how many “unexpected” things you did. You could even have them ask you “how many times did you ‘eat the strawberry’ today?”
Notice when you are unnecessarily serious. (Hint: Most times we are “serious,” it is unnecessary, especially when we in re-charge mode.) We often fall victim to being overly serious due to a pattern of always trying to “be productive” or as a reaction to an emotion that touches something deeper in us. In the moments where you notice yourself being “serious,” ask yourself, “How serious will this situation be in 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 years?” See if by asking this question, you can notice your behavior and lighten up.
Make time for a creative activity you love but rarely get to engage in. It doesn’t need to be a lot of time - even just 15-30 minutes of focused creative time. This could be drawing, writing, dancing, painting, playing music, singing - think back to that thing that really taps into your soul and prioritize it once per day.7
Let go of the need to plan and control: Being spontaneous often means letting go of the need to plan and control everything. Try to be more flexible and open to changes in your plans.8 One experiment to help with this is to look for a moment when your "knee-jerk" reaction is to say "no" because there isn't enough time or you might be late to another activity. Try to instead say "yes" and see how it feels, while still communicating to others you'll be spending time with if you are running late or plans changed.
A few questions I considered for this reflection:
What things can get in the way of “being fully present”?
What things can get in the way of “doing the unexpected”?
Who can remind me to “eat the strawberry” when the tigers become a distraction?
She tells this story in many places, but I first came across it in her book entitled Comfort with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion. It may also be a story that predates her, she is just the first thinker who exposed me to it. The photo below is by artist Mary DeVincentis.
The metaphor is often used more broadly to talk about how our lives are this short fleeting moment between birth (tigers above) and death (tigers below). At the same time, like most parables, it’s beauty is how it can be applied to more narrow moments in our life as well.
In most cases it’s hardly a “break” given non-work life responsibilities and stressors, but at least it is an opportune time for many to disconnect from work life.
It includes several resources and tools that I will revisit over the next week or so and that you may find helpful, so I still ascribe to many of these tenets, just offering a slightly different take this year.
Being consistently present is REALLY hard for me, so I offer these tools as things that have helped me, but acknowledge I have a long way to go in this area.
One tool for “intentional commitment” is 5-10 minutes of journaling in the morning or in the evening, focusing on specific people or things you appreciate and what moments you want to be especially present for in the upcoming day.
One tool for “in the moment” is the use of short, yet powerful mantras. One that I am experimenting with from this Buddhist fable is “eat the strawberry.”
One tool for accountability is to tell someone to check in with you every other day over the holidays and ask you how you did in terms of being fully present.
Emotions are meant to be felt. The challenge for many of us, myself included, is that we can get stuck in emotions. Anger is the most pernicious in that it “becomes self-righteous, judgmental, blaming and critical” according to Jim Dethmer of the Conscious Leadership Group. My lived experience would suggest he is right.
One reason this is actually a “Saturday reflection” vs. a “Friday reflection” is that I took the opportunity to write it while my son was napping. For me, writing, singing and dancing are creative activities that particularly allow me to tap into my soul.
The first part of this recommendation is courtesy of ChatGPT - it’s pretty good. I made it a bit more concrete and practical.