Resilience that Endures

Friday Reflection (No.82)

“They said I would never make it.
But I was built to break the mold,
The only dream that I've been chasing is my own.”
-Alicia Keys, Underdog

This Alicia Keys track is a resilience anthem…a celebration of those who rise up from humble beginnings, chasing their dreams in the midst of suffering and against all odds. Plus I love the melodious intro…

And while we are inspired by underdogs rising to the top, these superhuman stories can sometimes (ironically) make us question whether we too have that same special sauce - the innate resilience to achieve our own goals and dreams.

Moreover, leadership at the highest levels requires deep wells of resilience. In fact, in my work with Boards on succession, they have increasingly focused on whether CEO candidates have the resilience to handle growing external chaos and internal complexity.

For this reason, I absolutely loved Luis Velasquez’s new book, Ordinary Resilience: Rethinking How Effective Leaders Adapt and Thrive. Rather than appealing to a modern fad or psycho-babble, he reframes resilience in a way that can stand the test of time: Resilience is the natural ability¹ we all have to reframe situations and then apply dedication and persistence to keep moving towards our aspirational goals.

One of the most challenging and inspiring concepts from the book is “Amor Fati” or “loving your fate.” Resilient leaders embody this term from stoic philosophy. They “have an attitude whereby they not only accept everything that happens to them, including adversity and loss, but they actually love it and use it.”

Leadership Principle: Resilient leaders love their fate, accepting challenges and suffering as an opportunity to become even better.

To practically embrace “Amor Fati” in our lives, Luis suggests three steps:

1. Reframe: Change your perspective to find the opportunity or lesson in the challenge.

2. See the possibilities:² Open your mind to consider a wide range of positive alternatives that could emerge from the challenge or suffering.

3. Take action: Convert the possibilities into purposeful, practical and empowering steps forward.

While these three steps are simple to understand, each one can seem as daunting as Mt. Kilimanjaro precisely when we need to climb them the most - in our harrowing moments and when challenges are compounding.

For the skeptic, these steps may even feel like Wakanda - aspirational, yet fictitious.

And yet, the beauty of Luis’s story is that his own embrace of Amor Fati was not an overnight shift. He vulnerably shares moments of acute despair, which felt so human and I’m so grateful he didn’t leave those parts out.

As he navigated these valleys of despair, Luis gradually transformed into a living embodiment of Amor Fati. His personal stories of resilience in the face of a life- threatening brain tumor will inspire you. Consider this quote:

“I am the person that I am today - a better person - not in spite of the brain tumor; the loss of my identity; and the destruction of my professional dreams and my marriage, but because of those things…those hardships gave me an opportunity to reinvent myself.” -Luis Velasquez

In his professional endeavors as an acclaimed and in-demand executive coach in Silicon Valley, Luis demonstrates his mastery of the first step - reframing. In fact, I have my own personal “Luis story.” He was the facilitator for a group of master coaches I was part of. During one session, I shared my profound anxiety about giving extremely difficult feedback to a C-suite leader I coached—my highest stakes engagement and one that felt very personal.

I feared this leader might shut down or even fire me. Luis asked me one simple question, “What would it look like to coach with love?” This simple reframe changed my approach. I realized that the most “loving” course of action would be to deliver the feedback as truth serum…no positioning…no holding back. And that’s just what I did. And while the first conversation was very emotionally charged, multiple years later this leader still tells others how he values that I always “tell it straight.”

I am grateful to Luis for his guidance in my personal professional journey and I am thrilled that millions of others can now benefit from his wisdom via his book.³

In the words of Thich Nhat Hanh: “Life is both dreadful and beautiful.” It's easy to love the beautiful parts, but loving the dreadful parts, even as the world becomes increasingly more chaotic, is what sets apart resilient leaders. Luis’s book is a call to action - the time is now to start strengthening your resilience muscles!

Take Action: Proven and Practical Steps

1. Practice the Three Gifts Technique: Luis shares this impactful technique. When faced with adversity, compel yourself to identify at least three positive possibilities that could come out of this negative situation.

2. Enlist others to expand your thinking: When you struggle to see possibilities (particularly if you can only come up with one or two), invite a trusted colleague or confidant to help you identify additional possibilities or to come up with a different way of reframing your challenge or setback. Ask them to help you look for opportunity instead of seeing threat or risk.

3. Take action that is within your control rather than getting stuck in the “ifs”: Luis points out how easy it is to fall into Victimitis Syndrome - “if I had this boss” or “if I had this resource,” then everything would be ok. The problem with this line of thinking is that it is hypothetical and removes your agency. Instead, consider what actions are in your control and get moving on those. One technique to help you make this shift “stick” is to do what Jim Dethmer calls “Face Your Unowneds.”

Reflect: Some Questions to Consider

1. What is a source of challenge or suffering in your work life? How can you reframe that challenge to look for positives (even if they are small)?

2. What are all the possibilities available to you in this situation?

3. With these possibilities in mind, what actions can you take without needing anyone or anything out there to be different than they are?

If this week’s Friday Reflection was practical or enjoyable (or maybe even both!), please share it with your colleagues and friends.

1. To be clear, biology does play a meaningful role in our ability to reframe and rebound from adversity. For example, studies have shown that individuals who have higher levels of the trait neuroticism tend to be more likely to be paralyzed by and less likely to grow from adverse experiences. Given this reality, we can think of “baseline” resilience on a spectrum due to “inherited” constraints. What Luis’s insight unlocks is that we have the ability to move toward greater resilience regardless of our starting point on that continuum.

2. I wrote one of my first Friday Reflections in 2021 about this topic of “See the Possibilities” and I structure every Friday Reflection with a section called “Take Action,” so Luis’s thinking very much resonates with my own.

3. The book is packed with practical guidance (one of my favorite chapters is “Face Your Fears”) and emotionally resonant metaphors. One of my favorite metaphors from the book is “carrot, egg or coffee bean.” It is aa analogy about how we can respond to suffering and challenges. You can read more about it here.