Antidotes to the Sweet-tipped Poison of Reactive Anger

Friday Reflection (No.80)

There is a form of anger that is pervasive in most organizations. We don’t always name it “anger”, but all of us have seen it before - reactive statements, passive aggressive slights, condescending facial expressions and sometimes actual outbursts. These are different manifestations of “reactive anger” - reactions unleashed without thinking stemming from our desire to be right and have control.

Imagine if a physical transformation took place as these reactions emerged, similar to Bruce Banner transforming into Hulk.¹ It would be hilarious and eye-opening as it would reveal how frequently reactive anger rears its ugly head.

Moreover, just as Banner may have felt initial exhilaration at his power as Hulk, we might experience momentary satisfaction from the release of reactive anger, but a visible transformation would make more apparent the corrosive nature of reactive anger.

This truth is beautifully encapsulated in Buddhist wisdom: “Anger, with its honeyed tip and poisoned root.”

Leadership Principle: Don’t be seduced by the honeyed tip of reactive anger. Seek antidotes to to prevent its poisoned roots from taking hold.

In high stakes moments in work life, it is easy for leaders to be seduced by reactive anger’s “honeyed tip” - the glorious yet temporary feeling of being right. This need to assert our “rightness” can at times contribute to short-term wins (scaring our team into following our direction, overpowering a peer in a meeting to get the decision we want from a boss).

The challenge is that even if we get the near-term outcome that we want, we are inflicting the long-term damage of reactive anger’s “poisoned root.”

In the work context, the consequence of this poison is blindness (to the broader context and alternative paths) and paralysis (we end up in stalemates). It also can also infect others, damaging relationships, preventing them from wanting to work with us in the future or worse, causing others to emulate us.

So, what are the antidotes to reactive anger’s poisoned root?

Antidote 1: Pause

The most powerful antidote to reactive anger is to pause. Tara Brach likened our urge to control and be right to that of high-altitude pilots.² And yet when we pause, either by taking a moment to focus on our breath or noticing what we feel in our body, we can prevent a rash reaction and create space for us to respond in skillful way.

Antidote 2: Curious Empathy

The second antidote combines two potent ingredients - curiosity and empathy. Curious empathy allows us to shift out of a rigid (and even self-righteous) state and into one of connection and understanding. Chris Voss, a former FBI and New York City hostage negotiator, talks about fostering “tactical empathy” or “understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment AND hearing what is behind those feelings.” This powerful negotiation tool is also a practical application of the second antidote to reactive anger. It changes our focus from our inner need to get our way to the outer needs and emotions of another. The result is that we have a renewed ability seek out a fair resolution and will be perceived as addressing the issue calmly.

Antidote 3: Conscious Connection Within

The first two antidotes are things we can do in the moment. The third - conscious connection within - is a ritual that requires deliberate practice. This ritual can take many forms like meditation, contemplation, mindful movement, prayer, journaling just to name a few. Conscious connection within helps us understand our mind. Over time, we will better recognize the situations that can lead us to react. It also helps us to develop the wisdom to see that a) anything can change at any time, b) flexibility (vs. rigid control) increases our odds of achieving our desired outcomes, and c) everything will be ok if we do not achieve our desired outcome. This is particularly helpful for those of us that are more prone to anger in multiple facets of life.

Take Action: Proven and Practical Steps

1. Give your reactive anger a name or metaphor. Naming your reactive anger can help you recognize it sooner, serving as a nudge to pause. You can even have fun with it - one senior leader I worked with bought a little “Hulk” action figure and put it on his desk as a reminder to notice when angry Hulk is coming out. Alternatively, you can name the “stimulus” of your reactive anger. One of my favorite metaphors that is easy to remember is that of the “Second Arrow.” Once we feel the trigger of the first arrow (an anger-inducing statement or action), we can quickly summon one or more of the antidotes as the shield to protect us from the second arrow (our unskillful reaction).

2. Memorize 3-4 “curious empathy” questions. After you pause, train your mind to ask a set of questions to practice curious empathy, particularly when the potential trigger of your reactive anger is another person’s actions or words. Some examples are: a) what does the other person want? b) what do they believe about the context? c) what might they be feeling? d) how do they want to be seen right now?. These questions can also be helpful in preparing for meetings with others where the odds are high that your reactive anger could be activated.

3. Experiment with a new (or old) form of conscious connection. One that I have found helpful as a (nearly) daily practice is what Hitendra Wadhwa calls a “Core Review.” It is a daily ~10 minute ritual that serves as a structured reflection and examination of your consciousness.³ This practice is mostly about listening to feelings and intuition, and yet I’ve also found that it has analytical benefits - helping me to see patterns of when I am reactive (i.e., stumbles) and to set a positive intention for how I want to show up for interactions or meetings in the upcoming day.

Reflect: Some Questions to Consider

1. On a scale of 1-5, how effectively do you manage reactive anger today? (5 = I am a master of my emotions, consciously expressing them with intent)

2. Can you recall 3 or 4 situations where reactive anger got the better of you in work life? What patterns do you notice in these situations?

3. What are upcoming meetings or interactions where you may need a dose or two of the antidotes described above?

If this week’s Friday Reflection was practical or enjoyable (or maybe even both!), please share it with your colleagues and friends.

1. In one of Marvel comic's most iconic storylines, Bruce Banner, a calm and brilliant scientist, morphs into the Incredible Hulk, an unstoppable green giant fueled by rage whenever he gets angry or anxious. He is one of the characters that the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) just hasn’t done enough justice to. So many cool storylines in the comics about Hulk, yet his solo movie was a flop and while he has amazing moments in various other MCU movies - I think the MCU could do much more with his character.

2. Brach has an entire chapter dedicated to the “Sacred Pause.” It references the benefits of both these “in the moment” pauses as well as longer “pauses” in our life.

3. Below is an excerpt from a recent podcast where Hitendra describes the Core Review practice (You can also read about it in his book Inner Mastery, Outer Impact on p. 178-179):

There is a practice I give there, which has been inspired by the Saint Ignition practice, who called the examine. And in order to make it a little bit more sort of interfaith and secular in nature, I've called it your core review. And I would encourage us, you know, if you're open to it, I've had this be now implemented by, you know, several hundreds of executives and students, you know, in my class and beyond. And it's a 10 minute practice. It invites you to do a little bit of introspection every day. It's not as much an examination of your behavior as it is an examination of your consciousness, an examination of your consciousness. Where was my consciousness today? What thoughts and feelings did I allow myself, you know, to entertain in my, in my heart and mind? And how did that translate into the right or the wrong behavior?

What can I learn from it? And how can I now look forward to the next 24 hours to show up as the best version of myself? The core review, it's been so heartwarming for me to see the kind of, you know, silent but pivotal transformations that, uh, a simple discipline of honest, open conversation with your own hire being done on a daily basis for a just a few small minutes a day, how it ends up having such a beautiful impact on the rest of our day. Because it's not that, you know, there are some bad guys and then there are good guys in the world, you know, you know, this is the model that says every one of us has within us, you know, the bad wolf and the good wolf, and which one are we gonna feed ? And you start doing a little bit of that watering of that sort of good wolf plant inside you and, you know, magical things happen.