“Good teams become great ones where members trust each other enough to surrender the “me” for the ‘we.’” - Phil Jackson (11-time NBA champion head coach for Bulls and Lakers)
The foundation of Phil Jackson’s coaching ethos was fulfilling the players’ needs for relatedness. There were other coaches that were better at the X’s and O’s, yet he had an uncanny ability to connect with all his players at an individual level (from stars like Jordan, Pippen, Kobe and Shaq to role players) and as a collective. My favorite Phil Jackson ritual is that each year he would buy a different book for each player on the team, a custom pick that he thought would resonate with each player.
This week’s reflection is part 3 in a series of Friday Reflections that explores how to sustain motivation through the lens of self-determination theory. In Part 1, I explored how to activate intrinsic motivation. Last week, I reflected deeper on one of the three basic psychological needs: autonomy. This week, I’ll reflect on relatedness or in more common language, connection.
The human need for connection has two components: the need for belonging and the need for intimacy.1
Belonging is about the collective. Intimacy is about individual connections.
While psychologists, cognitive scientists, neuroscientists and anthropologists can all attest to how “complex” belonging and intimacy are, I find it more practical to keep my perspectives on them as simple as possible.
Belonging
My three principles on creating a sense of belonging are2:
Develop an inclusive team identify and common language.
Beyond creating a team name or mission statement, consider creating shared language. One unique (and at times comical) example is the entire set of slang that has emerged from cryptocurrency communities. HODL = Hold on for dear life (i.e. don’t sell your coins even when the price is going way down). And some of my favorites WAGMI = We’re all gonna make it and NGMI = Never gonna make it. (e.g., Celtics fans are NGMI). So what’s the takeaway here…should we all make up a bunch of new phrases and go out and buy NFTs for our profile pic. I guess you could, but you don’t have to be that extreme. Practical tip alert: Think about the 2-3 adjectives/words you want your team to be known for. Find ways to inject those into everything you do. You can even consider a getting a team gift that represents what you want to be known for.
Make it fun.
If you worry that having fun is a waste of time because it takes time away from focusing on execution, consider the following: Emerging psychology research actually shows a link between humor and stronger team performance. Practical tip alert: A fun, yet simple way to inject fun into virtual meetings is to start with a warm-up question where everyone enters their answer to the question in the chat. For example, “what’s a concert you attended that you will never forget?” or “put a GIF into the chat that best describes your current mood.” This quick and participative exercise helps you learn about others and is fun outlet/break from monotony of meetings.
Be open about potential blind spots and areas of improvement AND commit to action to change.
We are often conditioned to present ourselves in the best light possible. However, teams that acknowledge their weaknesses to one another and that collectively work to improve them will foster a sense of belonging that goes beyond the surface. Practical tip alert: To create this type of openness on a team that you lead, you have to set the tone. Find the right setting to share 1-2 development areas that you are trying to improve. Share the specific actions you are taking to make improvements. And if you are really bold, ask each individual on your team to give you feedback on how you are doing in 1:1 sessions.
Intimacy
Intimacy develops as a result of high quality connections. These types of connections come in the form of “micro interactions” and sustained relationships over time. Our brain is hard-wired to crave high-quality connections.3 Research suggests that high-quality connections impact everything from our physical health to self-esteem to how we interpret difficult situations that come our way.
Despite all the opportunity that we have for high quality connections at work and in other environments, most of us are overly focused on what we need to get out of an interaction.
This is a HARD pattern to break.
One way to break this pattern is to take 2-3 minutes before each scheduled interaction you have and ask two questions:
How do I make the other person feel like this moment with them is the most important thing to me right now?
What is the tone I want to set? (showing empathy for how they are showing up and also having a view on what positive emotion you want them to feel)
Practical tip alert: Keep a list of positive emotions on your wall or on your iPad. The list can include: joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, amusement, inspiration, and awe. Use the list to think about which positive emotion you want someone to feel from you in your next interaction.4
For those that we have repeated interactions with (our teams), we can take this even further by making a conscious effort to ask about AND remember “the human things” in their life (names of loved ones, what they turn to for inspiration, what gives them joy outside of work).
By deliberately creating a sense of belonging and intimacy on our teams, we are tapping into intrinsic motivation by meeting their basic need for relatedness.
Some questions I reflected on this week
Which of these two elements of relatedness (belonging and intimacy) do I tap into most naturally?
What is one specific action I want to take this week to further enhance the sense of belonging on my team(s)?
What is one relationship on my team where I have the most room to create a greater sense of intimacy? What one action will I take this week to make progress there?
I first came across this concept in Scott Barry Kaufman’s book Transcend. Highly recommend this book for both personal development and to better understand how to motivate others.
I recognize that other leaders may opt to include other principles to create a sense of belonging. In fact, my former colleagues at Bain came out with a fascinating new article on “The Fabric of Belonging” It is definitely worth a read.
Barbara Frederickson has published many studies on how “micro-moments of connection” can set off positive experiences in our lives. Her work highlights the brain chemistry that takes place in these micro-moments of connection. Here’s one interesting study she did about positivity resonance during COVID-19.
I adapted this tip from Dan Pink’s To Sell is Human