Friday Reflection: Unconditional Positive Regard
Dec. 17, 2021
I’d like to tweak the lyrics of the classic song from the musical Rent…Instead of “How about love?”…let’s try:
How about UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD?
Stick with me here - I know belting out “Luuh—uuh—ove” flows a lot better than the tongue twister of “Uncon-ditional—pos-itive—re-GARD”
Unconditional positive regard (UPR) is a concept coined by Carl Rogers, a tradition-shattering psychologist in his time. The term means to communicate and show deep and genuine care towards others. More importantly, this sense of empathy comes without judgment of the thoughts, feelings or behaviors of others.
Why UPR instead of love? Three reasons: 1) it has a more specific meaning (love can be romantic, platonic or what you feel towards your dessert); 2) people feel more comfortable applying it in a wider variety of settings (i.e. some people resist the idea of “loving” their co-workers); 3) it is both a mindset and a set of actions for how to show up in relationships.
Relatedly, relationships are the currency to get things done in just about any human endeavor. And some of the most challenging roadblocks to overcome are when we encounter people who cause us stress, have a very different “style,” or we just don’t like. These also tend to be the the situations when it is most difficult to withhold judgment of others.
Interestingly, research shows that the benefits of treating others with UPR accrue to the recipient and to you. The recipient feels valued and accepted, which leads to increased motivation and self-confidence. For you, it gives you a key ingredient to effectively navigate a wider range of relationships and to fulfill your potential as a human (big statement I know).
Admittedly, UPR is easier to practice with likeminded people. It’s a heck of lot harder with people that we are competitive with or that just rub us the wrong way. Ironically, it’s with these people that the power of UPR multiplies.
A couple years ago, I worked with an executive who initially I felt strong dislike for, because of some of the behaviors that I had learned about in talking to their co-workers. I am grateful to one of my colleagues who asked me two simple questions: 1) “What is making you judge them so harshly?” and 2) “What would it look like if you released your judgment and approached the next conversation with an open mind and a caring heart?” The result was powerful. The next interaction was a conversation that was open and vulnerable (and also tense at times which was a good thing, a reflection for another week). More importantly, it laid the foundation for an important client relationship that I am still grateful to have to this day.
UPR is as much about a mindset as it is about action. Some ways to demonstrate UPR to others include:
Pay attention. Remove any distractions (e.g., phones or other screens) and use physical listening cues.
Hold back judgment. Listen with an open mind and don’t assume that you understand where the person is coming from.
Ask open-ended questions to demonstrate interest, care and openness. Truly explore the other person’s perspective until you understand it.
Reflect back feeling states to others (“I can sense this is making you feel overwhelmed).
Acknowledge differences in a matter of fact way (“We likely see this differently, but my perspective is ….”).
Though simple in theory, consistently showing UPR is incredibly hard, especially in our world that is moving a million miles per hour. I have to consistently remind myself that among its many benefits, UPR is also a foundational starting point to make progress in challenging relationships.
So here’s to “Seasons of…Unconditional Positive Regard….Seasons of…Unconditional Positive Regard!”
A few questions that I considered for this reflection:
Who is one person (at work or in your community) who you find difficult to work with?
In your next interaction with this person, what is one specific action (e.g., spending more time listening, asking more open-ended questions, holding back judgment) that will show that person that you have unconditional positive regard for them?
What could prevent you from taking this specific action?
After you try this experiment, how will you reflect on it and think about how to engage similarly the next time you interact with this person?
Love starting my Fridays with these quick reflections. Thank you, Sean, for sharing this and taking the time to put such thoughtful reflections together.